Forgiveness

Love

“Can you do anything Right?” I just stood not moving, knowing I was doing my best.  God taught me to love with a pure heart. It’s hard to forgive the person that you trusted with your heart, love and life. You thought they love you the most because of their words. The betrayal. That person abused you for years.  The one person that you thought loved you, but they’re putting you down.  Telling you that you can’t do anything right. Called you out your name, and blamed you for their faults and mistakes.

When your spouse is hurting you they’re hurting themselves, because you are One.  But you must forgive. You have to learn how to deal with life’s hard knocks. We can do it, with hard work and determination. Forgiveness is for you. Us. Your life will truly change if you forgive.

The Process…Think about it?

We must find the love, the courage to forgive them. When you forgive them, only to free yourself. When you forgive them it is not only pleasing to God but it will be pleasing to you as well.  We must live our life to do good and that same goodness will one day come back to us.  Don’t worry it will find you.

It’s also wise to forgive when you have children together. Children love unconditional, with that being said your children will love the abuser anyway.  Please never talk bad about the other person.  Your children will find out in other ways.

What happens…..When you forgive:
1. You free yourself
2. You don’t feel anger or hate when someone bring up their name.
3. The thought of them, don’t mess you up inside.

4.Effect your day.
5. When you can stand to face them and be great.
6. Hear their voice. Remember what happen without the pain.

7.  You feel love and then you want to continue to share that love.

8.  You tell others, so they can be feel to love too.  After all, sharing is caring!

Victory
You must forgive everyone that hurt you. When you’re able to forgive, that’s when you’re healing process begins. Once your start you’re healing process, yes, it will hurt at first. Each day will get better and better.

Then you will grow and discover the love and beauty within you. Like a beautiful butterfly, blossoming flower, or praise dancing or Like a boy becoming a man.

I telling you this process because I lived with my abuser so many years and I have forgiven him and myself.  Forgiveness is so beautiful and its a gift you give yourself.  Forgiveness is Victory

Define what is forgiveness? Forgive, forgiveness is to give up resentment of or claim to requital for an insult. Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Please read what the Bible say about Forgiveness in a Biblical article.

Forgiveness is letting go of hurt and pain.

Thanks for reading and come again.

Bless,

Denise

Love Doesn’t Have to Hurt

Leave comments.

The Effects of Domestic Violence and Abuse on the family. The Order of Protection Process

Domestic violence is very serious, it can affect men, women and children. Usually men are the abusers, but men can also be abused. When children  witness domestic violence, that’s trauma. Children are at a greater risk of having emotional, behavior issues, be sexually abused and have learning problems.

You can recover, but it will take hard work on your part. And you are going to have to want it. You should talk with God,  a trusted family member, friend or counselor.  God is the true healer. So please don’t leave Him out of your recovery.

It  will affect you mentally and physically. We’re not the same and things don’t affect everyone in the same way. When you are experiencing or living with domestic violence you don’t feel safe or secure most of the time, and it causes you to have trouble sleeping and dealing with life. Some days you don’t want to get out of bed to face the day. You start isolating yourself from family and friends. Your behavior changes at work or school. You begin to lose trust and faith in people. It causes you to feel helpless and hopeless because of the shame and guilt. But it is not your fault. It’s your abuser that has the problem and needs help. But they have to want to change.

I know, because I witnessed domestic violence as a child growing up, then I married a man, that I though loved me. Then again, I guess he did love me, but he had a problem and he abused me for many, many years. I stayed, because I didn’t know any better at first, then over time, I thought I could change him. I thought I could be enough for him to want to change.  That didn’t happen.

Now, I live to help others by sharing my story.

So why is it not recognized or why is it overlooked as a serious crime, especially if its emotional abuse vs physical abuse? I believe physical, emotional and sexual abuse are equally serious crimes and both of these problems should be addressed. Most cases involve men hitting, punching, threatening and emotionally abusing women. But men can get abused too. It also affects children growing up seeing and hearing their parents fight and witnessing the abuse.

Abuse kills your spirit, causes depression and low self-esteem.

The Cycle of Abuse goes in a circle like this: The abuse occurs. He then starts to feel guilty and then he makes excuses.  The fantasy begins –  he gives you flowers, candy, sweet talks you and then wants to make love with you.  Then the setup – the abuse starts again!

Verbal, physical and emotional abuse done to your spouse or partner is done to dominate and control. There are also more ways to abuse the other person  – like financial abuse, spiritual abuse, abusing a pet and sexual abuse.

Abuse

Guilt

Excuses

Normal behavior

Fantasy

Setup

The first step is recognizing the abuse. Once you realize you are being abused decide if you are going to leave or stay in the relationship. Please protect yourself. Utilize people, agencies and resources that are out there to help. If you decide you want to get an order of protection – go to your local courthouse.  The service is free for domestic violence cases. You have to fill out the paperwork and you have to be very detailed and honest.  There are also clerks in the office to answer questions.  After you turn in your paperwork, a judge will look over them and may need to speak with you.  At that time you may be granted a temporary protection order and you will get four copies.  One copy for yourself, the police department, the courts and then your abuser will be served.  If you have a picture of him and describe him it will make it easier for him to be located and served.  You will then be given a court date if all of the facts go in your favor you should receive a permanent Oder of Protection.  Be safe – Love Doesn’t Have to Hurt!

God bless,

Denise Hardnett

“Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt”

Please leave any question or comments.

What Can We Do to Overcome Abuse

Hello Online Family and Friends,

We can overcome any thing we put our minds to, especially domestic violence and abuse.  Determination.  I did!  Now I am safe, I have joy and happiness.  I have forgiven my abusers and I have forgiven my seIf. I lived with my abuser for 15 years.  Because I moved too fast and lacked knowledge and support I spent another seven years in an abusive relationship. I cannot promise the road to overcoming abuse will be easy or the process time will be short but with support, knowledge and determination you can do it too.  What I can promise, is that you can do it.  We have to learn to love and trust ourselves again.  At a point in our lives we lost the love and trust,  and in turn, opened the door to the abuse.  Please understand that you did not deserve it.  People that abuse others learned that by watching others that abused.  They saw it as a way of control.  Somebody hurt them, so they hurt others.  If it never got dealt with, then the cycle of abuse continues.  Only when the cycle of abuse is broken, healing comes.  We thought we were in love and didn’t know the warning signs of abuse.  Once you realize you are in an abusive relationship seek help and support to plan and make a way of escape for you and your children.  Knowledge is power!   Counseling will help with you to  build and rebuild relationships.  The first step is to admit you are loved by God.  God is the true Healer.  You are Awesome, amazing and worth it and in control of your life.   We are the only one that can make decisions for ourselves and our children.  We have the power to keep ourselves and children safe and not worry about the next time. Live in a healthy environment because we know that we deserve the best.  God only wants the best for his Children and He will never leave or forsake us.  God’s word is the truth and we can depend on Him.  When you are free from your abuser, you will begin to learn how to live without them.  You begin to start your life anew.  Start walking, sleeping and eating the right way.  Do things that you use to do, that made you happy, like reading, writing, participating in or watching sporting events, just to name a few.  Now that you know, that you know, pass it on to others in need. The lesson is to keep control and watch out and know the warning signs to avoid. You will have a great relationship when the time is right.  And remember to pass love and encouragement on to someone else.

All the best,

Denise Hardnett

“Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt”

How to Stand in Your Power After You Leave

Hello to everyone

To those of you who have been in an abusive relationship and found the courage to leave, we are not alone.  We are still standing! We are standing in our truth!  We are standing in our strength! We are standing in our Power!  Many of us had to make the decision to leave the person who told us they loved us the most.  But remember,  “Love doesn’t have to hurt”.

I am so glad you decided to leave and you are in a safe place.  The most important thing is that you and your children are safe.  And if you don’t have children, then you are safe.

When I left my abusive relationship I had a girlfriend that I confided in and I also attended counseling with an agency for domestic violence in my area.  If you have a girlfriend, family member or are residing in a shelter, praise God you are safe.

Yes, you are going to miss him and yes, he is going to try to convince you to come back home, if he knows where you are.  Continue to be strong and each day it will get easier and easier.  Stand in your power after leaving!

What helped me after taking him back a thousand times was to start journaling. When I thought about all the good times, which didn’t amount to a lot, I read the journal again to keep me focused on what I had to do. I also realized that he really didn’t love me and didn’t care about me and I am better without him.  I grew tired of listening to the broken promises and dreams. I also realized that he choose me because I had a good heart and spirit, only to use me. Love Doesn’t Have to Hurt.

If you decide to go back, be safe and have a safety plan and back up plan in place. Make sure he attends counseling for domestic violence.  Regular counseling or anger management will not address the problems of domestic violence.

It took me awhile to get to where I am today. I left and went back to him several times before I finally left for good.  Never forget that God loves you and you are beautiful and very special.  Love yourself and be safe.

Thanks for reading and share. Please leave a comment.

Best and be safe,

Denise Hardnett

“Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt”

Love Doesn’t have to Hurt

God is love, the true Healer.  I don’t think God wanted us to continue to accept and live with someone hurting us, which is domestic violence.  When I was with my abusive ex-husband, he always said, “If I loved him, I wouldn’t leave him or if I was a real Christian I would stay by his side.”

Yes, I realize we will go through things in a relationship like pain, sorrow, loss along with joy, peace, love and happiness.  Because that is life, but we can control suffering at the hands of our abusers.  There is help and we can take back our lives-take responsibility to change our life for our children and ourself.  Love Doesn’t Hurt, read 1 Corinthians 13:4,5,6,7,13

4 Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. 13 And now these remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

The Bible is the truth.

Our abuser beat and attacks us for control and that is the time when they are in the most control.  Please know that love is not insecure, neglect, angry and mean.  We though our abusers loved us and we truly loved them and somehow wanted to change them.  But the truth is, they have to change themselves, just like you have to change you.  We confused those feeling for love, now we know it was fear, lack of love, hurt.  Because Love Doesn’t have to Hurt. Love Doesn’t have to Hurt Inspirational guide for Women in domestic violence coming out October 2015 please look out for it.

Be blessed, Be kind and share with others

Denise

Deciding to Leave Your Abuser

Deciding to leave your abuser.  If you are hoping, and praying your abuser will change?

It good to pray.  They have to let God change them.  You can’t change them.  Real change comes from the person. The abuse will happen again, if they don’t seek counseling from a domestic violence counselor.  Create a support system of trusted family and friends.  There is also agencies in your area.

Things to do.  Please keep  private from your abuser.  Keep a journal to document the abuse.  Collect important papers and clothing in a safe place.  Extra set of keys.  Notify your job, school or daycare.

Abusers have deep rooted emotional and probably psychological problems.  It takes time to change.    The hardest part is leaving and you worry about what will happen once you leave.  Love Doesn’t have to Hurt.

Signs that your abuser is not changing:

1. He minimizes that abuse

2. He tells you if you wouldn’t have done this or that then it wouldn’t happen

3. You have to push them to seek counseling

4.  If you leave, they will commit suicide or kill you.

5.  He pressures you

6. Know your abuser

7. Be safe by making up a code to use in a time of emergency

8.  Identify safe places in the home

9. Make an escape plan

Be safe and seek help

All the best,

Denise

Thanks for reading and leave comment.

Know the Signs of domestic violence

Hello Family and Friends,

Here are the Signs of domestic violence, once you recognize the signs you can get help to get out.

1.  Physical abuse – hitting, kicking , choking, slaps and punching.

2.  Sexual abuse – making you have sex when you don’t want it or forces sexual acts.

3.  Emotional abuse – Calling you bad names.  Intimidates you with words, weapons,  and threatens you.

Threatens to hurt themself or take/hurt the children.

He has unrealistic expectations.  Controls what you wear or where you go or who you can see.  Keep you away from family and friends.

He or she plays mind games,making you think it is your fault.

Always Placing blames on someone else for his behavior.

Being unfaithful.

Cause embarrassment on purpose.

Destroy your happiness.

4.  Economically abuse – destroy your belongs or your property or the pet.  Controls the money. Take or keep the money from you.

5. Psychological abuse – You are afraid and intimidated of your abuser.  Isolation.

6. You are experiencing post trauma stress.

Keep important papers from you.

Causes you to lose your job.

If you are experiencing any of these signs then you are living with domestic violence.

Please start keeping a journal of the abuse with date and time.  Gather important papers and clothing keep in a safe place.  Plan your departure and practice a safety plan.

There are people and place that can help.  Love doesn’t have to hurt

Short term effects of domestic violence

Bruises, bites and marks

Black eyes and vision loss

bloody nose

hearing loss

Miscarriage

STD’s because he doesn’t want to wear a condom.

Murder

Long term effects of domestic violence

Headaches and back pain

Depression

eating disorder and trouble sleeping

Anxiety

Post traumatic stress disorder

Smoking, Alcohol or drug use

Suicide

Illness and diseases.

If this article helped you in anyway.  Please post comments and share with others.

Thanks,

Blessing to all,

Denise

Please leave any question, comments and share with others.

The Cycle of Abuse

Domestic violence is very serious it can affect men, women and children.  Most cases is men hitting, punching, threatening and emotionally abuses women.  But men can get abused too.  It also affects children growing seeing and hearing their parents fight.

It kills your spirit, causes depression and low self-esteem.

The Cycle of Abuse goes in a circle like this:  Abuse he feel guilty, make excuses then the fantasy you get the flower, candy, sweet takes and making love then the setup, the abuse come again.

Verbal, physical and emotional abuse done to your spouse or partner to dominate and control them.

Abuse

Guilt

Excuses

Normal behavior

Fantasy

Setup

The first step is recognizing the abuse.  Once you realize, decide if you are going to leave or stay in the relationship.  Please protect yourself and its people and agencies out there to help.

I will be giving you the steps in my next post.

Be safe

Loving You

Love

You love your children. You love your husband. Your love your wife. You love your family. You love your friends. You love your job.
You love……. But you have to love yourself. In order to properly love others, you must love yourself first. This post is about Loving you. Learning to love yourself after Domestic Violence.  Help through all the stages beginning with self, and your children.

I am speaking from experience. The Beginning
I was living in an abusive relationship for years. You keep trying to fix the relationship, not realizing that you can’t fix, what’s not your problem. The Problem…Because my ex-husband wasn’t fulfilling the role of man, he started using and abusing alcohol and drugs regularly. When under the influence of alcohol and drugs he became a monster. The Result…The marriage affected me, my children and my immediate family. Thank God for family, friends and agencies that help women and children living with domestic violence.

Now that I am free, I am able to see, think, and meditate on me. I realized when you love yourself, you wouldn’t deal or put up with certain things. When someone really love you:
1. They will not hit, kick or punch you.
2. Their words will not hurt to your core.
3. They would think of you because they do something wrong.
4. They would listen to you.
5. They would respect your feelings.
6. They would build you up.
7. They would not lie to you.
8. They would correct you with Love.

I had to learn how to continue to love and forgive my abusive ex-husband. My next post will be on forgiveness.