What Are We Showing Our Chilldren

TyKaihugHi family and friends,

My name is Denise and I am speaking from my own experiences. I grew up with both of my parents. My mom was very passive and submissive to my dad. My mom was a loving mom not only to her children, but other people too. In turn, my dad was very abusive and abused alcohol. Growing up witnessing domestic violence in the home hurt very much. It affected the whole family negatively. I was afraid most of the time, because I did not know why or when my dad was going to be abusive. I also learned not to trust a lot of people. I learned to be on guard, to protect myself. I was powerless to change the abuse we experienced. Because I didn’t know how to. As I got older I prayed a lot. In school, I was withdrawn and not involved in a lot of activities. I had a lot of nightmares. Just sharing some of the things I went through. MY whole life consisted of home, school and church. Did I tell, what was going on with me? NO. As I got older, I continued to be passive and lacked confidence. So, I am asking…What are you showing are children?

Just think a minute. We are role models to our family, friends and others, they are looking at us. Growing up I saw or heard my daddy yelling and used bad words. I saw and felt emotional and physical abuse, as a child, I thought it was okay, a normal way of life. After going through sexual, emotional and domestic violence myself. Over time, I learned better and I want to share with others, mainly children, that it’s not okay to hurt others. Love doesn’t have to hurt. You learn to forgive and heal from domestic violence. And the healing process does take time.

If you want your children and others to do positive things, we have to show or teach them positive things. Talking to others with respect. And teaching problem-solving when you have disagreements. Use loving words not fight with words or hit with your hands.

If you want responsible children, we have to show and teach our children how to be responsible. How to make money, then save a portion, give a portion to the church and share a portion with someone in need.

If you want trustworthy children, we have to show and teach our children how to be trustworthy. By telling the truth and showing loyalty and have values.

It is so very important to teach our children the way they should go. We are blessed with beautiful babies to love, cherish, teach, disciple, and show the Love of Jesus.

Our children are the next generation. The future president, lawyer, dentist, preacher, with endless possibilities. Let’s do our very best to make sure our children do the best and get the best by teaching and showing them the Love of Jesus. We all need to pattern our life after Jesus, to be our very best.

Children do what they see you do. Please remember domestic violence is not the answer to a problem, but the problem. Once we love and respect ourself, we can love and respect others. It always start with us and at home.

God bless you,

Denise

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The Cycle of Abuse

Domestic violence is very serious it can affect men, women and children.  Most cases is men hitting, punching, threatening and emotionally abuses women.  But men can get abused too.  It also affects children growing seeing and hearing their parents fight.

It kills your spirit, causes depression and low self-esteem.

The Cycle of Abuse goes in a circle like this:  Abuse he feel guilty, make excuses then the fantasy you get the flower, candy, sweet takes and making love then the setup, the abuse come again.

Verbal, physical and emotional abuse done to your spouse or partner to dominate and control them.

Abuse

Guilt

Excuses

Normal behavior

Fantasy

Setup

The first step is recognizing the abuse.  Once you realize, decide if you are going to leave or stay in the relationship.  Please protect yourself and its people and agencies out there to help.

I will be giving you the steps in my next post.

Be safe

Safety Plan – Domestic Violence and Abusse

This is to all my sisters living with domestic violence and abuse.   Are you confused living with your abusers,  not knowing how they are going to act from one minute to the next.  I was.  Wandering if it’s something that I have done.  We are continually changing  ourselves, not realizing they have the control to change themselves.  We all have choices to make, you have to decide what we say and do.  We don’t have to be abuse others.  Understand, you control your anger and emotions.  They can too.  I am not telling you nothing that I haven’t been through my self.  I had to learn this and I also had to get the strength to move on.

Before you leave, you must have a plan.   A successful plan that will keep you and your children safe.  Once you decide to leave or have left, please know,  these are the most dangerous times.

For one, your abuser don’t want you to go.  Secondly, once you leave your abuser is going to want you back.  So it is very important that you stay safe.  These are safety tips if you are planning to leave and some for after you have gone.

You are not alone, when I decide to leave my abuser I had to plan it out to keep my children safe.  Was it scary?  Yes.  Did I try to talk myself out of it?  Yes.  Did  I want my children to have their father? Yes.   But I also had to realize that he was hurting us.  He was not trying to change, so I had to do what I could to keep us safe.  Please use these tips whenever you decide to use them.

Planning to Leave

1. If you drive, leave the driver door unlooked, hide a extra key.

2. Have information papers, cash along with clothing for you and children in a safe place.

3. Have a cellphone or domestic violence cellphone to call 911.

4.  Make sure you are not being following and change your routes.

5. Learn special code words with your children, so you can use in case of  emergencies.

6. Memorize important numbers

7. Know shelters, crisis lines and churches in your area

8. Let your children schools, daycare know your situation to remove the abuser off the pick up form.

9.  Get outside help to assure you have a safe place to go.

10. Make sure you and the children learn a safe way out of the home in case of fire or violent attack.

11.  Know all the safe places in your neighborhood like hospitals, gas stations, police station and friends                  house.

12.  Make a budget?  Try to save money.

13.  Document any abuse with pictures, diary, and record phone calls.  This is helpful when you call the police and helpful after you leave.  You can get an order of protection and help with legal fees.

Once you Leave

1. Stay in well lighted areas.

2. Screen all phone calls, even after you change your number.

3.  Be careful when you use computers, cell phone, GPS, stores, telephone and utilities company all can give        your location.

4.  Get unlisted phone number

5.  Make sure you are not being followed.

6.  Change your routes often.

7.  Make sure you are the only one to pick up the children.

8.  Make sure the schools, daycare and your job know your situation.

9.  You are in a safe place

10.  If you have to see your abuser, make sure you are not alone and make sure it’s in a public place.

God bless you and be safe,

Denise

The Keys to Empowerment ~ end domestic violence

Hi Everyone,

It is very important that we make a difference.  And that difference is showing love. What Legacy will you leave for others to follow?

Speaking from experience, I learned being positive in everything you do and say will promote Empowerment for healthy life.  If that mean forgive my abuser then I forgive.
Remembering Love doesn’t have to hurt.  And I think my abuser is hurting and he took it out on the person closest to him.

What’s in a man’s heart, so is he, which I find this statement to be true. Whatever is going on in the inside of you will come out or show on the outside. What difference are you making in the lives of others?  What Legacy are you leaving or setting for others to follow?

The Keys to Empowerment:Forgiving your abuser

  • Think positive
  • Surround yourself with positive people
  • Have a forgiving heart
  • Make a difference
  • Give your money, time, and resources to others.
  • Learn and teach a life skill, like sewing, difference language, tutoring
  • Knowing when to be quiet
  • Listen to others
  • Stop judging
  • If you wasn’t an eyewitness then don’t share it or tell others
  • Let everything you do and say line up with God.
Thank you for reading, God bless you and keep smiling
Denise